I have thought of writing ✍️ what I feel about my current state a thousand times but I couldn’t find even one word to express it all. Even today my thoughts are not well organized and neither am I in the best state of mind to express my emotions in the best way.
So, why am I writing about my post covid experience? Because when I read what others in a similar state are going through., it gave me some peace to know that I am not alone in this. So to anyone else who is going through this, I want to be a face (share my feelings) and not just be a stat in the post covid cases reported.
What is long covid ? When your health has issues post covid (which you did not have before) and it continues for months, hindering your daily living, that’s long covid. And as per the information on the internet, you will see that there can be up to 200 different types of symptoms in long covid cases.
What’s long covid for me ?
It’s a reality that I am experiencing post covid, with no social acceptance and very little main stream medical acceptance or help.
My physical capabilities are extremely compromised and my most active day today, equals the energy levels of my sickest day pre-covid.
The pains that I experience is not transient and it’s not a happy pain that one enjoys post workout / run / trek. These pains are like you have a flu or fever all the time. Now imagine having that every day, every week for over 8 months! And extreme tiredness is the cherry on top! Or is it the parasite on top 🤔
The wierd part of it all, I don’t look like a patient. While internally my body is breaking, I look and speak just about fine (on most days). Well, it’s a boon as far as work is concerned (so that people don’t judge my human misses as a patient’s lack of work) . But not much of a boon, as far as my own mind is concerned. It’s confusing me and doesn’t garner my own sympathy. And that’s how I end up pushing myself, not resting physically and then ending up drained out by evening.
And everyday I feel like I don’t know this weak person, I am unable to relate to her and understand her physical limitations.
My social media is all that looks good of what’s my life as of today. Because other than work, I barely get through the day with the little physical energy left post evenings. For 6 months, I wasn’t doing anything outside my job. Then I pushed myself to get back to social media to keep me entertained. It also helps me live a life, that I am actually not living, well it makes me feel like I am living a good life, online.
What’s most draining is that I have a lot of want-to-dos but hardly any can-dos from that list . My weekends and evenings were self entertainment with dancing away or exploring outdoors. Today if I dance for 5 min, or walk around for half a day, I need to rest for days 😪 without walking or moving out of the house. Even this has no pattern, how much physical activity, equals how much setback, is unknown. Sometimes it takes days and at times even weeks, to regain tolerable levels of energy and pain.
It’s bad to put it this way, but I console myself that I am able to sustain in my job. And that atleast I haven’t become wheel chair bound due the ailments. To be frank, there have been days, when I wanted it…just on 2 difficult days last month. I found it impossible to walk. I was slower than people walking with a walker and I really felt that I could do with a wheelchair, to push myself forward. But I am fine, I AM fine.
I wouldn’t say there weren’t good days..there were good days ..are good days, but it comes without notice and gets bad in no time. I feel so elated, that I am going to get better and it’s only a easy downhill walk from there. But just like trails in the mountains, I am again thrown an uphill walk the very next day, or sometimes in just a few hours. It’s as if life, is teaching me, a practical lesson, to never live beyond the current moment. I have to literally be thankful and live one moment at a time. The worst part is, I am not dying anymore than I was before covid. I have to anyway die sooner or later, that’s the usual human life. It’s just that the process of dying has become more painful, than I had thought it would be.
The problem is the suffering ! Well isn’t that the only issue we all have 😀
Mental suffering is way easier to deal with, when physical wellbeing is not compromised. But if you are physically suffering beyond control and with no set patterns, then predictability goes down. Without being able to predict my health for the next days, ofcourse I can’t plan for next 1 year. But I can’t even make plans for any activity the next day or the following days. Yet out of my old habits I plan, sometimes more, sometimes less …and I can sometimes keep my promises as well and then it takes me days or weeks to recover depending on how much I have pushed myself physically.
Interesting part is when I am pushing myself to physically walk or stand or travel around, I know I won’t collapse. It’s just that I get extremely fatigued (and out of breath) and the pain and tiredness agreevates and then it gets to a point where I get back home and collapse on the couch. With no energy to move to the bed. On days like that I haven’t been able to even fall asleep. The days I am more exhausted are the one where I get no sleep. I yawn all day, yet cant sleep well. And that’s how I end up carrying it to the next days and weeks, to recover my health to tolerable pains and tiredness. I call these my panda days. Wherein I move less, eat more and do nothing, to recover.
Do more to improve, perform graded activity, take it slow and all other fundas from experts don’t help. There seems to be no rules that this ailment seems to follow. This person sitting inside me, the weak one who needs to recover is not at all reliably unwell and there is no indication of what would make her well. Is it resting all the time or is it pushing beyond limits with walks and yoga 🧘♀️ or is it taking it slow and building it up? I have tried it all and nothing seems to please this unhealthy person to bounce back to health.
Funny thing is that as my tolerance for pain increases, so does the threshold of pain. Every time I triumph on the levels of pain i overcome.. it increases one grade. It’s as if I am in my own end game. I am not sure though, who is dealing the cards? And when did I agree that I will play? But here I am, playing with a bad hand. Because I don’t know better than to play, no matter what cards I am dealt with.
Every new morning, I wake up with the same old ailments, with different intensities. I have to coax myself to get out of bed. It’s a daily coaching work for my mind to convince my body to get up and get going.
I hear my mind say – “Don’t just stay there, it won’t get better, get up and try, it won’t get worse!”
I ask, and when will it be over? I hear an answer, I don’t know! So I get up, to brave it through another day, because not knowing is hope enough, to keep going…